Category Archives: Humor

Thanks a Lot, Jodie Ray!

I don’t normally have dreams about real people, but this time I did and I’m naming names. You may think that sweet little receptionist has no dark secrets but I’m telling you Jodie may have some back roads driving experiences to explain. In this version of my recurring dream about driving too fast on mountain roads, Jodie is featured as the VW tour bus driver somewhere in high hills country. Jodie was her normal friendly self except that she got a little distracted and missed a mountain curve going way too fast. This is where my dream usually ends with the vehicle frozen in space like in a video game: “Game over!” But with Jodie driving we end up crashing on the road below. We’re all fine and Jodie shows us you don’t need all that transmission on a four-wheel drive. She tore out a pretzel of scrap metal from under the bus and said we could drive just fine with the remaining bits of transmission. Off we tore off again and just to make up for lost time, we miss the next curve where we were again going way too fast. But on the fast descent Jodie found a three foot opening between two Ponderosa pines to push that eight foot bus through and hit the road running this time. Amazed to have survived two colossal mishaps, we arrived at the border where it turns out I was wanted for murder . . . In Australia. I try to explain to the officer that I am a US citizen, when 15 copies of my Australian driver’s license fall out of my wallet. And I’m thinking I want to rewind this dream and take my chances with Jodie’s mountain driving!

I don’t know if a lot of Leukemia patients have delusional dreams, but I sleep about 16 hours per day so that probably ups my chances a bit. Today’s a bit better. I actually fixed a software problem on Marcia’s computer…the first useful thing I’ve done in three weeks. Good news: the endoscopy showed my esophagus and stomach were healed from the chemo damage. And the doctor who ran the lung CT scan said he wished all his patients had such healthy lungs (no chemo scarring after all). Still, they are stumped about the constant upset stomach and shortness of breath. (In my favorite text of the week, a dear Christian friend writes, “I hope that SOB leaves you soon!” She meant of course “Shortness of Breath.”)

Sometimes it’s not so much the intensity of the pain as the duration. In the end, we all live just one day at a time and seldom have access to view much more than that. The question is what do you cling to each day…what sustains you. I’m finding it humbling how little strength I have some days, and inspiring how much strength God provides in my weakness. Our God is a mighty God!

The Story of Geese

Bone Marrow Biopsy

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I recently had my fifth bone marrow biopsy. The first one gave me my AML diagnosis along with the rare chromosomal abnormality (t10;17) with aggressive markers at CD7 and CD56 which started the Leukemia. The second (December) confirmed the persistence of the aggressive cancer in my body. The third test (January) confirmed I was in remission. (Thank you Lord.) The fourth in March confirmed all was good to go for the stem cell transplant. And this one (May) confirms no cancer and no evidence of any of the rare abnormalities originally diagnosed.

Several people have asked about how this procedure is done. Lidocaine is used to numb an area 1-2″ below back waist band and a “sturdy” needle to poke through the bone into the bone marrow cavity. They take one sample of bone marrow and another sample that includes the lacey bone structure that is crushed up when they do the aspiration. The first one felt like someone was pulling my toes through my spine, but the intense pain only lasted 30″ or so. They gave me twilight meds (Versed/Midazolam) and Fentanyl (pain med) for the others and this last time, a very small dose of morphine. Morphine obviously helps with pain control and the Versed makes you forget what happened.

The funny thing about the Versed-Morphine cocktail is that you continue to converse with the nurses but your brain doesn’t know or remember what you are saying. Evidently I was a real chatterbox, talking about whatever came across my mind. Marcia relays that she and the nurse exchanged a number of smiles at my antics. In this reenactment photo, Marcia recalls me sitting on the edge of the examination table as I was ‘waking up’, looking much like this and telling her, “You get the car. I’ll get the Mango Smoothie and I’ll meet you in the lobby.” Obviously, it was a moment of pure delusion. But it seemed like I was ready to go at the time. Hoo boy! 🙂

I Went Against My Religion

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Confession is good for the soul. I have resisted this particular temptation for 15-20 years or more. I’ve especially fought hard against it during my three rounds of chemotherapy. I’ve recalled the true promise in 1 Corinthinans 10:13 which says: “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

I’ve recited to myself over and over how God designed the body to behave in only a certain way, and violation of this is sure to bring discomfort and pain. But in a moment of weakness. . .

I threw up.

When nurses ask, “Have you thrown up today?” I respond, “No, it’s against my ‘religion.'” When they inquire further I tell them, “God designed the body for food to go in one end and out the other. I just want to honor Him.” This usually results in a chuckle or two. Of course, those who know me realize the funny thing is, I don’t believe much in ‘religion.’

According to wipipedia, “Religion is an organized collection of belief systems, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to spirituality and, sometimes, to moral values.” As a follower of Christ, I believe in the one true loving God who invites us to a personal relationship with Him. When I remain in this relationship, God lets me see the world through His eyes. The fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control) are available to those who remain in Him. As is strength to see suffering as ‘light and momentary,’ perseverence in the midst of struggles, and hope in seemingly hopeless situations.

Remaining in Christ is a decision we make hundreds of times a day. It is decided by what we choose to think about, what we do, how we respond to others, how we view the world around us. I think about the grapes that grow in my backyard. They don’t work and they don’t (as far as I know) develop “an organized collection of belief systems.” They just remain in the vine… and produce good fruit. My experience is that when it comes to the hopelessness of trying to keep a long list of do’s and don’ts, ‘purging’ can be a good thing.

And on an upbeat note, my blood counts are starting to increase and I am generally feeling better than yesterday. My goal is to get off the pain meds and to prove I can swallow real food on Thursday.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Kids View: How To Get To Heaven

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Subject: How Can I Get Into Heaven (from a recent email)

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven, I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?’ ‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?’ Again, the answer was, ‘NO!’ By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?’ I asked them again. Again, they all answered, ‘NO!’

I was just bursting with pride for them. ‘Well,’ I continued, ‘then how
can I get into Heaven?’

A five-year-old boy shouted out, ‘YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!’

Here’s to living each well and trusting Jesus “until you gotta be dead.” – Bryan

Infection

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Being a former music major, I should have seen this coming!

Actually, I am doing well. Some days are harder to push through the exercise of course, but God will use trials to make us stronger, if we let them. Emily Foval shared this song “Stronger” by Mandisa to illustrate this point. Click here to listen to it on You Tube:
http://youtu.be/U3TPq8ZSvTk

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Prep For Stem Cell Transplant Day T-1

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In a break from some of the more serious things, let me give a brief picture of hospital mundane. My day at the U of I Transplant Center starts at 12:30-1 a.m. with vitals checks, then a 4:00 a.m. blood draw to see how my blood counts are dropping. I use Glad Press and Seal to keep my arm PICC line from getting wet in the shower. Back to electric razor cuz my platelets are too low to heal cuts and bruises. Oral care is a BIG part of the routine cuz the meds cause bad sores. Staying active and too much exercise is a balance. Cardio is contraindicated because it robs the ability to make sufficient blood cells and get enough oxygen to the body.

They have me on steroids to counter some side effects of the chemo and Graft Versus Host Disease. The steroids make me weepy so I guess God thinks I need to be more sensitive to menopausal women:
BT- what’s wrong? Woman- I don’t know.
BT – why are you crying? Woman – I don’t know!
BT – I understand. Woman – why are YOU crying?
BT – It’s the steroids. Woman – I understand.
(I don’t want to be ungrateful for God’s lessons, but personally I am glad I only have another day on steroids!)

It is very busy here. The good part is that I have time to talk with nurses, housekeepers, aides etc, and opportunities for prayer are welcomed by some of them, at a meal, or chat. I am always surprised and a bit saddened when someone responds by saying no one has ever offered to pray for them before. I think it was Willy Neudahl who introduced me to praying for my waiters and waitresses. Thank you Willy!

I am negotiating early release to work with my transplant doctor. I know none of this is much in our control except that I am fighting this really hard. But someone has to beat the averages, so I’m buckin’ for that job. I told the doctor today I was pretty sure she just wanted me in the program to boost her outcome numbers cuz I am so darn healthy. She laughed out loud and while not confessing, I think we found an understanding, I like Dr Silverman. She is up front with me.

There is a lot of waiting. My donor’s cells were to be collected yesterday and I am to get them Thursday in a twenty minute procedure. Then we wait a couple of weeks for them to start to graft. I will get some shots to encourage the process. I’m thinking my friend Chuck Jackson knows a lot about grafting trees and may have some special miracle grow or Miracle Max to help the process along. Speak up Chuck. Science needs you.

Well, there’s some of the routine, sparing you the indignities. Truly we are doing well. God is VERY good to me. Marcia and I are making realistic contingency plans for the next couple months but we are spending MORE time planning how we will spend the next 25 years living out our lives together! Enjoy the life you have been given! Find the blessings in the box.

I See The Mailbox

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I recall the story of the husband and wife who were backing out of their driveway to go somewhere. The husband was driving with his loving wife in the passenger seat. Seeing the car get closer and closer to their mailbox at the end of the drive, the dialog went something like this:
Wife: Honey, watch out for the mailbox.
Husband: Yes, I see it.
Wife (as the car gets closer still to the mailbox): Watch out for the mailbox!
Husband: I SEE the mailbox!
Wife (as they get closer yet): you’re going to hit the mailbox!
Husband: Don’t worry, I see the ….
(Agonizing scraping sound of metal against metal, and mailbox falling to the ground)

We can imagine and laugh at the conversation that might have followed. But we’ve all been there, right? We are certain that we have the perspective on something while the other person maintains THEY are the ones to ‘see clearly.’ How embarrassing it is when the ‘mailbox’ goes down because of US.

Marcia and I have used this story when counseling young couples, reminding them that sometimes it is helpful to have a code phrase to bring clarity to a discussion. Whether in the home or at work, “I see the mailbox,” may be a good phrase to use to remind us that our vision, however clear it seems to us, may not be the only perspective on the situation.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Ephesians 5:21

On The Lighter Side

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We continue to ponder the depths of our discussions with the Medical team at the University of Iowa yesterday concerning our limited options to treat this Leukemia. It was a lot of weighty information to process. (More to follow.) But God gave us both sufficient strength for the day (and today too) compared to my weaker days of the past week. We give thanks for that. And in the midst of the heavy discussions there were lighter times, even greatly needed laughter.

“Does this cancer make me look old?”
I encountered someone this week who I hadn’t seen for a long time. At first they didn’t recognize me without my hair. I asked them, “Do you think my bald head makes me look older?” “Well, yes I think it does,” she replied. We laughed at the honesty of friends.

But I’m not completely convinced. After all, this chemo makes me kind of feel like a teenager…I only have to shave once every couple weeks or so…if that. Those 14 whiskers that survived are very slow to grow!

I looked at my bride over the restaurant table yesterday and, contemplating the calorific menu items said, “The good thing about cancer is you can eat whatever you want!” (Except fresh fresh fruit and veggies)

Chemo brain is a term used to describe a physiological phenomenon that causes the patient to experience a loss for words or words are sometimes interchanged. Last night I told Marcia I was thinking about some of “the funniest life events in my imagination.” (I meant ‘in my memory‘.) As I write this I wonder if some of the funniest moments of life ARE in my imagination! 🙂

As it turned out, the funny moments in our life weren’t so prominent in our memory (or imagination). They are however, like the seams of your shirt. They don’t draw much attention but they certainly are essential to the structure of things.

Whatever numbers you are crunching, whatever heavy load you carry, whatever fears may visit your door, whatever relationship strains you experience, may you find the strength to laugh, and the joy of knowing that circumstances do not determine your response to them.

“(There is)…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…” Ecclesiastes 3:4

Top Ten List: Benefits of Being a Patient at Mercy Oncology

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There is nothing funny about cancer. It is a tough and deadly disease to fight. But I am fighting hard and am reminded daily of God’s great mercy. I also love to laugh and find that looking at the light side of life is sometimes good medicine. With that in mind, let me offer my Top Ten List: Benefits of Being a Patient at Mercy Oncology. (I hope YOU don’t have to be here to appreciate the humor! I’m sure the nurses will understand! 🙂

10. With all the fluids they give you there is NO CHANCE of getting a urinary tract infection!
9. Overnight vitals, bed checks, pills, IV changes, 4 a.m. Daily Blood draws… NO ONE complains of over-sleeping!
8. On chemo days you can order good food whenever you DON’T feel like eating.
7. About the time you lose your appetite completely, they give you a beautiful room…with a kitchenette.
6. Those stylish hospital gowns.
5. Chemo makes ‘bad hair days’ a thing of the past!
4. Getting blood marked “VOLUNTEER Donor,” not the stuff taken from unwilling donors. (Credit to son Mike for that observation.)
3. Anti-infection procedures designed by Michael Jackson.
2. Coupon for a free haircut…after you lose all your hair.
1. NOT having a “red slippers” day! (See December archive, “Life in the Hospital” for explanation)

I’m thinking I might write a book about this experience someday and already have some of the page numbers done.

Life is serious stuff. Don’t forget to laugh along the way. And help others do the same!

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.” Job 8:21

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