Category Archives: Leukemia/Cancer

Your charge – and mine (+ update)

 

What’s on your to-do list today? No doubt there are tasks to accomplish, problems to solve, routines that need attending. Hopefully, you’ve included some enjoyable activity to celebrate the end of the work week and some earned time off. And we need rest and relaxation. We need to “recharge our batteries” and renew our minds. It’s part of life’s ebb and flow of energy.

 

But instead of living for our time off, maybe we should focus our time off to hone our skills for what is yet to come, the very purpose for our living.

 

Paul’s letter to Timothy (2 Timothy 4) focuses on that purpose. I think we need the same reminder today. At least, I do. It’s so easy to get distracted that our real purpose gets put on the top shelf, out of sight – out of mind.  Here are the highlights that Paul reminds Timothy to keep in his sights. I wonder which ones will speak urgently to you today?

 

In the presence of God and Jesus, I give you this charge:

    • Preach the Word. (Whether in word or action, our life is supposed to reflect Jesus.)
    • Be prepared (at all times). We set aside savings for a “rainy day.” We make deposits in our “faith account” so we can draw on that faith when times are tough. Shouldn’t we let his Word take root in our souls today so it can bear fruit tomorrow?
    • Correct, rebuke, and encourage others with great patience and careful instruction.  “For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” Be truthful but also be humble, gentle and patient.
    • Keep your head in all situations.  Stay alert. Remember the reason you’re alive today. Rely on God’s Spirit to guide you, not your “instinct.”
    • Endure hardship. Endurance builds our character and brings us to our reward. Instead of trying to escape our inescapable trials, how can we use these to draw us closer to God, and others?
    • Fight the good fight. Finish the race. Keep the faith. Reach for the prize.  Don’t give up.
    • Be on your guard. Remember, your strength comes from God.

Guard against that which deceives you, robs your joy, and distracts you from your life purpose.

  • Be filled with God’s grace. Grace is what marks us as God’s children. Shouldn’t it be our defining mark as we interact with others?

 

The reason we “recharge our batteries” is so that we will be able to carry out our charge for living. Let’s hold up our passions and activities against our charge so we too can “finish the race” well.

 

imageSpeaking of recharging batteries, I’ll be recharging mine for the next 3-4 weeks at the Mercy Hospital Resort Suites. My leukemia has relapsed 2 1/2 years post transplant. So it’s time for another seven days of chemo that will take me down and then some time to build me back up again.  We’re thankful for God’s mercy which is evident even in this situation, and certainly in whatever battles you face. We trust him for whatever outcome he chooses, and we’re thankful for the prayers of our little friend Brisa (and beloved Delia) in Bolivia, and for your prayers too. Live life to the fullest. Hug those you love. Be vigilant of the time you have.  Guard your heart. Draw close to God.

 

 

Strength in weakness

 

I’ve been reading about friends who are running marathons, triathlons, climbing tall hills, going on adventurous hikes, and exciting vacations. I remember the days when I felt strong. It’s everyone’s goal to be strong, isn’t it? After all, who aspires to be weak? But just as strength has its place, so weakness has its place and purpose…in God’s plan. A weakness that becomes strength…if we allow God to use it for good.

 

Paul writes about this in 2 Corinthians 12. We don’t know the details, but there was something he considered “a thorn in the flesh” that made him weak. It was given “to keep me from becoming conceited.” He prayed three times for it to be taken away, but God’s response was this:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (V 9)

Paul concludes, “I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (V 10)

 

It’s not usually our first response, is it? We’re not naturally attracted to weakness and pain. In fact, usually, we do everything we can to avoid it. We fight it, we cry over it, we pray to be delivered from it. But before it leaves us, there is something to be gained if we determine to not waste our weakness or pain. What can be gained from weakness? Two things:

 

Grace… and strength.

 

Grace is the God-given gift that allows us to be thankful even in our sorrows. It allows us to be kind and patient with others when we feel that we’ve been shorted ourselves. Grace reaches out of pain and weakness to bring hope and encouragement to others when you most need it yourself. God’s grace speaks comfort, contentment and peace when every other part of our mind and body are screaming to escape the pain and sorrow we feel. Grace fills our cup so it overflows onto others when we feel empty. Grace sustains.

 

And what about strength? Where is it revealed in the face of weakness? First, there is the strength that comes from God when we stop thrashing about in our own efforts. I remember “rescuing” a fellow as part of my lifesaving test. After months of training, I dove into the shallow end of the olympic pool and swam forcefully toward the “victim” who was thrashing the water in the deep end. His wild antics to “save himself” were counterproductive, wearing him out and not bringing him any closer to safety. And when I reached him he doubled his efforts to twist and writhe and splash, fighting my every effort to take him under my arm and pull him to the pool’s edge. But then (thankfully, or I never would have passed my test) he surrendered his efforts to my leading and allowed me to bring him to safety. It’s like that with us and God too. When we come to the end of ourselves and find ourselves hopelessly weak, it is precisely then that God’s strength can carry us away from the depths that threaten to consume us. His strength is best made known in our weakness; it is when we stop fighting that he can bring the victory we seek in our life. The strength comes from his indwelling Spirit who always speaks truth.

 

I remember a picture of a mighty lion on the wall of the U of I transplant unit. The caption read, “Courage and strength to all who walk these halls.” I suppose none of us who walked those halls ever so slowly, 7 laps to a quarter mile, felt strong. But there is strength to be found in taking one courageous step after another. It is the strength that perseveres after cancer has done its worst. It’s the same courageous strength that allows you to get out of bed when you feel depressed, to reach out when you feel all used up, and to keep believing truth when you feel like giving up.

 

There is strength in weakness. God’s strength and sustaining grace. Soak it in today while you are strong, so you can draw on it when you are weak.

 

I will rise

 

It’s been 2 1/2 years since I was declared cancer-free. Getting rid of the cancer, though not easy, was actually easier than the rest of the long and arduous journey. The ongoing weakness and frequent illness is a humbling reality. Being neither badly sick nor fully well is a “new normal” I didn’t expect to find.

 

Maybe you’ve been there….the new normal. Having experienced some lower level of disappointment, sorrow and pain, you’ve now risen to a new unfamiliar place; neither what you expected or desired. You may wish you’d risen a bit higher to a place of greater joy, but here is where you are for the time.

 

It’s tempting to think of where we are in our new normal and think of all we’ve lost. But have you ever found that focusing on what’s lost has benefited you? No? Me neither. But focusing on we have remaining does.

 

Focusing on what good remains in our lives helps us rise above our troubles. What good remains in your life? Maybe you will reflect on a faith that sustains despite your challenges. Perhaps you’ll think on the kindness of at least one person who cares. Thinking for even a moment about others in the world who face even greater challenges is a quick trip to rising above our woes. Perhaps you’ve discovered what remains is actually a large list of things for which you can give thanks. Isn’t that the start of rising to a better “normal?” Chris Tomlin’s “I will rise” is not only an anthem that speaks to our heavenly journey. It’s also an anthem for today:

 

“There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say “It is well”

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles’ wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise”

– Chris Tomlin

 

Can you say it? I will rise, despite my weakness. Despite my pain. Despite my sadness, disappointments, and frustrations. Despite my loss, I will rise and give thanks for all I’ve gained. It doesn’t mean that your problems go away, but that we can find real peace in the middle of them; peace that brings an overcoming victory over circumstance and hope for a brighter future. It’s the peace that Paul talks about of counting everything as loss compared to the exceeding joy of knowing Jesus.

 

I will rise above what weighs me down,

above the sorrow and the pain,

above the battles that fill my mind

and find a peace that remains.

I will rise!

 

Who’s your healer?

 

I saw a poster that read:

God is my healer even when my body tells me it doesn’t feel like it.

 

It was just the reminder I needed. My blood counts are still stubbornly slow to recover, 2 1/2 years after cancer and my strength continues to sometimes lag. Truthfully, I still get frustrated when I tire so easily. Sometimes my body tells me it still isn’t getting stronger. But I remember the day of my Leukemia diagnosis I couldn’t walk more than twenty feet; today I can walk 2-3 miles even if I sometimes need to rest. I just need to keep trusting God who is my healer even when I don’t feel it.

 

How about you? Is God your healer when you are depressed? Is he the healer of your illness, your pain, your grief, your emotional scars and disappointments? Is he your healer not just when things get better but also when they don’t seem to improve? Is he your healer when things don’t get back to normal or the “new normal” is not all you had hoped? Is he your healer when the difficult journey you’re walking takes you to a new and unfamiliar place?

 

We are complicated beings made up of body, mind, spirit and soul. Our thoughts and emotions and physical sensations all run around in circles trying to persuade us of a certain reality… one that is limited to their perspective. There is yet another reality – the real experience of our spirit when it is aligned with the Spirit of God. It is the same Spirit who spoke peace to Corrie Ten Boom in forgiving her captors. It is the same Spirit who gave strength to Richard Wurmbrand when he was tortured for his faith. It is the same Spirit who allowed Stephen to praise God and forgive the people who were stoning him…to death. It is the same Spirit who revealed the purpose of suffering to Paul. This same Spirit wants to speak peace to you in your troubling time.

 

Our spiritual reality is able to transcend the emotional and physical reality that shouts so loudly at us. But we don’t experience it naturally. It is a matter of cultivating our sensitivity to spiritual things. It involves turning down the noise of the world (and our emotions and bodies) and listening more carefully to to a “small quiet voice” that nonetheless speaks powerfully to the one who listens. It is the peace that calms the sailor even when the storm continues to rage around him.

 

I’m still learning. It seems to be a life long lesson. Thankfully, it’s not an all our nothing experience. But the journey is worth it because the alternative is surrendering to our circumstances and how our noisy soul interprets them. Are you ready to let God be your healer today…even if your body tells you it doesn’t feel it?

 

They cracked the code to being happy

 

They cracked the code to being happy.

 

Or so say the researchers at Mayo Clinic. Evidently, amongst the myriad of diseases and conditions they’ve examined, they’ve also been studying happiness. Why? According to their findings, happy people tend to be healthier people. Researchers there observe that the pursuit of jobs, money, houses, and love is really about finding happiness. The problem, they conclude, is that we’re looking for it in all the wrong places. Psychiatrist John Tamerin observes, “If you lead your life always waiting for a great thing to happen, you probably will be unhappy.”

 

What’s the secret code to being happy?

 

1. Take control of your thoughts.
Focusing on what is right in life instead of what is going wrong increases the sense of happiness. It shifts our tendency to let our thoughts wander into sadness, fear, and dissatisfaction. Learning to control our thoughts shifts our perspective from sad to thankful, from fear to acceptance and confidence. We embrace happiness as a choice.

 

2. Be flexible.
“Resiliency has everything to do with happiness,” Dr. Sood said. The clinic’s research concludes that people who are flexible and able to adapt to life’s unexpected turns are happier. They learn to limit the affect of sadness so that circumstances in one area of life don’t overwhelm their whole life. (As Marcia and I vowed early on to not let cancer define who we were.) Creating space helps. For example, create space between a negative experience and the treasured people you’re about to meet. Don’t let unhappiness poison your whole day.

 

3. Help others.
Thinking too highly or too often of ourselves is a barrier to happiness. As one of the researchers said, “Complainers are never going to be happy. Happiness is a decision.” The more we focus on others the less unhappy we are with our own lot in life and the more meaning and satisfaction we find in living.

 

It’s always encouraging when science catches up to God’s Word.
God reminds us to “take captive every thought and make it obedient,” to renew our minds, to put off hindering ways and put on goodness, faithfulness and self-control. We’re encouraged to remember the good that can come out of suffering. It builds our character and faith. It helps us persevere with renewed perspective. And it helps us minister to others who are suffering. “Consider others’ interests more than your own” is a biblical key to happiness.

 

So do you want to be happy and healthy? Do you want to find happiness even when you aren’t healthy? Focus on God’s Word. Seek him first. Put others ahead of yourself. Is it really that easy? Perhaps more than you might think. In any case, the choice is yours.

 

Be as happy as you choose today.

 

“Prayer changes things”

 

Maybe you’ve heard it said:

“Prayer changes things.”

 

In fact, the prayers of those who seek after God are powerful and effective. Sometimes they release God’s power to willfully change a particular circumstance. The sick are healed, the lost are found, the blind receive sight, sins are forgiven, the dead are raised. That’s what happened when Jesus prayed to his Heavenly Father. And that’s what happens when devoted followers of Jesus follow his example in praying, “Yet not my will but yours be done.”

 

Pray changes things…but does it change you?

 

Prayer isn’t so much about changing the mind of God as it is about changing the heart of the one who is praying.

 

The heart of prayer is in drawing near to God.

“Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.” James 4:8

 

How do you draw near to someone you love? Do you give them a chore list of things to do and then leave them to accomplish it? Of course not. Instead, you find fulfillment in the enjoyment of their presence. You take interest in what they’re thinking and their desires. You discover of ways to please them and then act on them. You commit to a lifelong relationship of love and find new ways of expressing it, even when you don’t feel like being particularly loving or when you don’t feel you have the power to carry on. Some of the closest times Marcia and I experienced during our journey with cancer was when we were in our weakest and most helpless moments.

 

Isn’t this a picture of what drawing near to God should look like? It’s only when we humbly confess how weak and helpless we are that we can really draw near to him. It’s recognizing that it isn’t our righteous efforts that bring us close to him; he was drawing us close when we weren’t even looking for him! He sent his Son, he gave us his Word, and he brought his people across our path to demonstrate his truth and grace. Maybe you didn’t realize it at the time, but now you see how God has orchestrated events and people to draw you even closer to himself.

 

We don’t see this when we’re going our own way. We let busyness and prideful ambition and other sins keep us away from him. We draw near to God not by spewing a a to-do list, but by humbling ourselves, submitting to his will, resisting selfish temptations, and seeking his presence. Then he will draw close to you. (James 4:6-8)

 

Humbly drawing near to God changes us in transformational ways. And when we are changed by his grace, we see everything around us differently through his eyes. When this happens, prayer not only changes things…

Prayer changes US!

 

Powerful prayers of the bible

 

During the tougher times of my cancer journey, many prayers were simply, “Lord, have mercy.” I didn’t have energy to say more. Perhaps simple word prayers throughout the day pleases Him best:  “Thanks!” – “Help me.” – “Praise God!”  In fact, His Word warns against the vain babbling of endless words. But when the words won’t come at all, there is another source of inspiration for prayer: Scripture.

 

“Read the Psalms, praise God once; pray them, praise God twice; sing them, praise God three times over!” There’s no value in repeated rote prayers just to say them out of tradition. But if they reflect the desires of your heart, let them become your heart-felt prayers.

 

Find solace in praying the 23rd Psalm. Substitute your name for ‘me’ and ‘my’:

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff–they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

 

I’ve had many occasions to pray David’s shorter prayer (Psalm 51:10-12) throughout my life: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.” It has been a heartfelt prayer to draw closer to my Creator and to live in accordance with His will, especially after I’ve messed up.

 

You might pray as Moses did: “Teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.” (Exodus 33:13,15)

 

You can personalize “The Lord’s Prayer” with words from your own heart. Tell him you want His name to be honored and respected in your life activities and ambitions. Describe your daily bread (needs). Confess specific sins. Forgive others by name. Ask God to help you live today with forever in mind.

 

We should pray trusting in the Lord, “In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.” (Psalm 25:1)

 

Consider praying for others this way: “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ.” (Philippians 1:9-10)

 

Or this way: “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 4:14-19)

 

Let the powerful prayers of the bible speak your heart.

 

 

The only thing that matters

 

We have really been enjoying reading through the New Testament in our daily devotion reading plan. I’m doing an inductive study, journaling my responses to three questions of each passage:

What does it say?
What does it mean?
How do I apply it to my life?

 

I am always pleased to rediscover those verses that highlight basic truths for living. We read one of those in Galatians 5. Paul was warning the church (and us!) about being enslaved by the law and the sinful nature (actually our own desires). Pursuing his ‘run the race’ theme he encourages us to stand firm and seek the freedom Christ offers. The part that spoke to me was this summary of the gospel of Jesus in V 6:

 

“The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.”

 

This echoes the consistent message I’ve received through this entire cancer journey. I keep yearning for less of this or more of that. I want to fight but sometimes all I can do and stand firm and let God do the fighting:

 

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14)

 

But in my quiet times with God (and some not so quiet ones) I keep hearing this same message, that through it all, the thing that matters most is staying faithful.

 

I shared this with one of my former students, who has been suffering from a different form of Leukemia for several years. I’ve lost count of the number of chemo cycles she has endured. She writes:

“Four treatments down and ten to go this cycle. Question of the day…..when do you say enough is enough? When do you say I am too tired to keep up this fight, especially when it feels like it really doesn’t matter whether you do or you don’t?”

 

Looking at her posted photo, I could see the frustration and hopelessness in her eyes. I’ve been there, though I suspect her battle is much more extensive than mine. You’ve been there too. Maybe you are there today. The phrase that catches my attention is “IT FEELS LIKE”. We can’t seem to escape our feelings. After all, the body and soul are constantly interpreting the world to us and clamoring for our attention. Our spirit, united with The Spirit interprets GOD’s reality to us, but so often is out shouted by the cries of our body and soul. The body and soul say, “It feels like it doesn’t matter.” The Spirit says, “The ONLY thing that matters is faith – expressing itself in love.”

 

Have you ever kept a journal of your daily walk with God? Part of that story is the accounting of your daily experiences as told in a dialog between your body, soul, spirit – and the Spirit of God who reveals guiding truth and sustaining grace and power for living a life defined by love. It is this ongoing dialog that grows and nourishes the only thing that counts:

 

Faith expressing itself in love. 

 

 

Recovering from grief

 

The cancers of our life eat away at everything we’ve ‘gained’ and leave us with a profound sense of loss. By ‘cancer’ I mean not only that wretched medical condition that ravishes the body but also the other life tragedies that act as a cancer to our soul: Alzheimer’s disease, chronic pain, depression, the deep lostness that separates us from a loved one who has died or one who has severed a loving relationship while they still live. We grieve over our losses: lost dreams, lost opportunities, and loss of those we’ve befriended over the years. We might even experience ‘survivor’s guilt’, questioning why we survived and others didn’t.

 

Be it immense or small, it’s all grief to us and we have to find helpful ways to express it. Healthy recovery always involves coming to acceptance with what was, what now is and also a future that still can be fulfilling. It also always seems to involve building and strengthening mutually supportive relationships. It’s part of how God designed us. For sure, many will offer countless bits of counsel that seem to bring little solace at the time. We’re told to snap out of it, move on, and look on the bright side. True, some ways of handling grief are unhealthy and need prompting. Some try to deny their grief, thinking it is unfitting of them, conjecturing that Christian soldiers should be stronger in battle. The truth is grief is real and a necessary part of our recovery and healthy grieving brings us to a stronger place.

 

“I have never heard anyone say, “The really deep lessons of my life have come through times of ease and comfort.” But I have heard strong saints say, “Every significant advance I have ever made in grasping the depths of God’s love and growing deep with him, has come through suffering.”  – John Piper

 

Positive growth is a natural outcome of suffering and healthy grieving. It’s not just ‘moving on’ as if to escape from the past. It’s finding purpose and meaning in moving to a healthier future. You might come to interpret your grief journey as an unexpected blessing. Then again, maybe you won’t. Your interpretation of the journey is a personal one. You might find that keeping a daily journal of your thoughts, experiences, and revealed truths will help you sort things out. Sharing with trusted and mature friends can also guide you on the difficult path. I consider that any journey that brings me closer to God and closer to others is a worthwhile journey.

 

One aspect of grief recovery may seem strange but I’ve both seen and experienced its benefit: pouring yourself into others. Investing in others is biblically sound. Beyond distracting us from remaining too long in an unhealthy place, investing in others offers growth opportunities. God designed us to be strengthened when we strengthen others. Sharing your recovery experiences may help someone else who is going through a similar challenge. You can encourage others in ways you were encouraged or even in ways you wish you had been encouraged. Visit someone who is suffering or alone. Write letters of encouragement. Finding even small ways to bring light into their darkness will cast light into your own.

 

Do what you can and what is mutually beneficial but don’t try to do it all. The recovery process is one of balance. Acknowledge your grief in this difficult path but be also intentional about discovering daily reasons to give thanks and celebrate the continuing journey.

 

Recovering a sense of future

 

When life comes crashing down, either suddenly or over the crushing weight of burdens carried too long, our vision becomes clouded and it’s hard to imagine a better future, or even any future at all. But recovering a sense of future is necessary to transition from surviving to thriving… to living well today. Despite the pain, sorrow, and disappointment that darkens our world right now, we need to recover a hope for the future.

 

Robert was one of the NYC firemen who responded to the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. But experiencing that tragedy didn’t prepare him for the crisis he experienced when diagnosed with crippling MDS four years later. Losing his job to disability and surviving a stem cell transplant, he had to redefine how he saw himself, the limited control he still had in his life, his sense of purpose and meaning, and his sense of the future.

 

“I’m still dealing with GVHD, as well as weight gain and mood swings from steroids. The hardest part is not being able to keep commitments because I never know how I will feel from one day to the next. It’s hard to accomplish tasks I set for myself. On the positive side, I’m getting better. My fear about getting sick has decreased. I don’t need blood transfusions anymore and I don’t worry about blood tests. And even though I miss working, it’s a relief to not have to worry about returning to work and wondering if I’d be able to perform my duties.”

 

“There was never a time when I didn’t look to the future. I worked toward short-term goals, like getting my central line removed, controlling my GVHD, and being able to quit taking steroids. Some days, I might be struggling with fatigue or just feeling down, but…once I’m on my feet I am able to keep going. Sometimes it’s hard to accept the changes I’ve been through, but I’m still getting better and adjusting to my ‘new normal.’ The main thing is that I’m here for my family and to see my kids grow up, and that gives me something to look forward to.”

 

Boy can I empathize with Robert! It’s like he is reading a page from my Leukemia journal. Keeping an eye on the future, without losing your focus on living well today, is a crucial element to making a successful transition from just surviving a tragic circumstance to living a thriving life. And our future is not just tomorrow or next week or even the years to come. Our greatest hope for the future is found in spending all eternity with God and reuniting with loved ones who have gone before us. Living with the future of heaven in mind is a great motivator for living well today!

 

Some thoughts to ponder as you consider the future:

Am I learning to better accept uncertainties in life?

How can I better adapt to uninvited change in my life?

What practical steps can I take to live fully today while planning for tomorrow?

 

If you struggle with the uncertainties that come with change or the thought of an unknown future, talk about your concerns with a trusted friend. Include God in your honest conversations. Recovering a hopeful sense of future helps you live purposefully and well today.