Tag Archives: self control

When “Is it right?” is the wrong question

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You’ve probably encountered many opportunities and asked, “Is this the right thing for me to do?” Should I buy this car? Should I accept that promotion? Should I look for another job? Should I remain friends with someone who always disagrees with me? The list goes on.

 

There are some things that, at least from biblical view, are plainly stated. Don’t murder, don’t commit adultery, don’t lie, or steal. Don’t bicker or cause unnecessary devisions. Avoid sexual immorality; in fact, flee from it! Don’t allow even a hint of immorality or greed to influence you. God says these are wrong. Period. End of discussion. But there are many other things that seem to lie in the “gray” area of our decision making. How should I dress for church – or at the beach?  Is it okay to buy eight pairs of shoes when my neighbor has none? Should I give above the “tithe?” Is this movie okay to watch? Should I “speak my mind” or “hold my tongue?” When we sift questions like these through the filter of “right vs wrong,” we often come up uncertain or at odds with others who disagree. In a land where we have so very many freedoms, is everything suddenly right?

 

Asking, “Is this right?” might be the wrong question. A better question for us might be, “Is this beneficial?” “Is this the BEST?”

 

“Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me—but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12).

 

One way we can apply this question is to ask ourselves if what we are considering really honors God. As believers, our intent to honor and please him should outweigh our freedom to do whatever we want, even if it is legal and “permissible.” In good conscience, would THIS option honor God more than THAT option?

 

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Colossians 3:17).

 

Another way to apply this truth is to ask ourselves how our decision impacts others. You might have the right to act however you want, to speak your mind, and criticize others, but would that be the most beneficial approach in this situation you’re facing? In some matters, HOW the decision is accomplished may be as important as the actual decision.

 

“…for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7

 

Finally, another approach to applying this question is to consider what influence and control the matter has over your life. It may be permissible, but if it controls you, it’s not beneficial. Watching a certain TV series may be permissible but if it dishonors my spouse and family – if I become obsessed with it, it isn’t beneficial. Analysis may be permissible (especially if you call it “planning” – right?) but if it paralyzes you, it isn’t helpful. It’s not against the law to beat yourself up mentally, but if it controls your thinking, it’s not helpful. There’s a time for critical thinking but if it leads you to always criticizing and judging others, it isn’t beneficial. Avoiding conflict may seem helpful but if it alienates you from God or others, it may not be as beneficial as you think.

 

Enjoy your freedom today. Freedom from sin’s crushing rule. Freedom from legalistic do’s and don’ts. But don’t settle for what is simply permissible or “right.” Seek what is beneficial and BEST in your life, in your relationship with others, and in your relationship with God.

 

Recovering a sense of control

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Control. We all want it. It drives our life. We want to control our lives and our future. We want to control our circumstances. If we’re honest, we probably want to control others. God’s word says we should have self-control. It’s one of the fruit we exhibit when we walk in God’s light under the power of His Spirit. Maybe you felt you were making progress in this area, but when a life changing event comes upon you, you find yourself striving to recover a sense of control over your life. Authors Magee and Scalzo consider recovering a sense of control as the second phase in the transition from surviving to thriving*.

 

Esther suffered with aplastic anemia (AA) and required a stem cell transplant that was in one sense a cure, but also caused major upheavals in her life and her family’s. In addition to the physical challenges, they struggled with medical bills and emotions. Like many who face cancer, Esther became proactive in researching the condition and treatments, focusing on and gaining understanding of the daily medical test results. My experience is that this strive to gain some sense of control can both help and hinder the recovery process.  There is the pervasive thought that if you just understand more you will be able to control the situation. Often our circumstances will just not be controlled. But how we deal with them can be.

 

Esther made it her goal to get well. The journey was a rough one filled with disappointments: lost hair, painful mouth and skins sores, GVHD of the digestive system, financial challenges, and emotional roller coasters. But through it she says, “We may have sad days, scary days, disappointing days or feeling unwell days, but never a BAD day.” What? Never a bad day with all that suffering? How is that possible? She answers, “I couldn’t always control my physical condition, but I could control my attitude. Focusing on my priorities put things in perspective and kept me motivated. As I rebuild my life, I realize that my experience changed me. I am more grateful, nicer, more compassionate, and less judgmental. I have less patience for nonsense, complaining and ingratitude. I’m more confident now. I live more fully and authentically, recognizing that life can end at any time. What we make of it is up to us. Some things are worse, but most are different and better. The key was letting go of what I had before so I was open to loving my new life. I had to mourn the loss of the past so I could embrace today. It’s not about pretending but about letting myself be sad for a period of time and then getting over it and moving on.”  She adds that there are some things she can’t do anymore, but for every limit she creates a new alternative to finding joy. “Today, life is good. Not always easy, but good…not only surviving but thriving.”

 

We can’t always control our circumstances. But can take control over negative habits and thoughts that limit our life. We must “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and … take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5

 

Ask yourself how you can actively participate in the recovery from whatever limits you. Make assessment of the real risks you face. Define the kind of life you want to live and what does living well look like – even if your circumstances don’t change. Choose to recover the one thing you can control – the way you think and respond to life. Let God help you.

 

* Picking up the Pieces – Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer