Tag Archives: Conflict resolution

Called to be a peacemaker

 

We are a diverse group of people who inhabit this earth. Even if you were to look at your city or church or employment, we are becoming an increasingly dissimilar people there too. We are diverse in our appreciation of the arts, our food preferences, and the movies we watch. Even things like skin color, education, or degree of sophisticated thinking could be lumped in with this list of superficial yet real layers of diversity. But what makes us incredibly different is the basic tenets of life and faith to which we firmly hold. In these areas we sometimes become at opposites with one another over deeply engrained and staunchly defended beliefs and ways of viewing the world. In these vital, life-view areas we become to each other: hot and cold, wet and dry, black and white, left and right, and sometimes upside down. How in the world are we to live in harmony with one another?

 

One of the inspirational stories to come out in the aftermath of the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was his close friendship with Justice Ruth Ginsburg. With regard to their interpretation of law, they were often polar opposites, the real “odd couple.” But with regard to the bond they felt with each other they were in their own words, “best buddies.” They shared a common love for the constitution but their interpretation of that law was oh so very oppositional. In the context of their completely diverse view of law, their personal friendship was evidently as deep and profound as it was unexpected.

 

Sometimes opposite forces or beliefs are actually quite complementary to each other in nature. Surely, you have observed this in your own life where two people in a relationship, though seemingly opposite actually complement each other well. It is the “unity of opposites” proposed by Heraclitus in the 5th century BC. We see a similar vein of thought in Paul’s personal approach to conflict:

 

“I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel.” (1 Corinthians 9:22-23)

 

The idea of unity in diversity is found also in Paul’s description of the “body” of Christ, that is the group of followers who are unified in devotion to Christ, yet so diversified in their expression of that devotion! We have different roles and gifts, different personalities and strategies, but we are called to be unified with a common purpose, to love God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. . . Not for the sake of diversity, but for the sake of the gospel.

 

It’s a challenge though, isn’t it? Don’t we often prefer to hang out with like minded people who share our interests, views and approaches? That’s a temptation that allows us to stay in our comfort zones. But learning to live with those who share diverse views is the stuff that makes for an increasingly mature Christian life. Jesus was criticized for spending time with outcasts and sinners. Yet it was to these he was called. In Mark 2:17 he is recorded to,say, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

 

How about you and me? If I were to stand only with those who agreed with everything I believed, I might find myself standing alone! For sure, we will encounter difference in views, even among believers. Sometimes you find yourself deeply loving someone…except for the times you want to strangle them! But we persevere with each other even as Jesus commanded us to love our enemies and pray for those in authority (even if we disagree with them).

 

How do we demonstrate such certain unity in our lives? How do we learn to live in harmony with each other? Perhaps we could start with the humility that recognizes “I don’t have the complete understanding of all things.” As a husband was backing the car out of the drive his wife next to him kept repeating, “I can see the mailbox.” He replied, “Yes, I see it too….” until he ran over the mailbox. As we learn to listen to the perspective of others we increase our own perspective of things. As Justice Ginsburg reflected on a case where she and Scalia disagreed she acknowledged that while his views “ruined my weekend, they improved the product.” We must be willing to listen to those who disagree with us if we truly want the best solution.

 

And even when you have convinced yourself you absolutely know that you are right about a specific matter, the more important relationship is strengthened when we recognize the right of the other person to hold a contrary position. We learn to be agreeable in our disagreements. It’s called respect.

 

Be the peacemaker God wants you to be, especially among other believers. Be willing to embrace others even if you don’t embrace their beliefs. Pursue unity even when unanimity is not possible.

 

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Romans 12:18

 

The battle for who’s right

 

There was discord and disagreement.  A battle over whose voice would prevail. Finger pointing and plenty of blame to go around. Who’s right and who’s wrong. Words that should have been left unsaid were spoken in frustration and anger. It seemed everyone was keeping score. Does it sound like a political debate? Or a recent business meeting, or maybe a family gathering?  It seems that wherever two or three gather together there is room for disagreement. Everyone wants to be heard. Truthfully, we’d all like to have it our way.

 

It’s a scene that has been played out to various degrees over the centuries and is plenty common today in our communities, our businesses, our homes, and sometimes even in our churches. It was the situation when Paul was writing the church in Corinth (1 Corinthians 11). There were disagreements over whether men and women should cover their heads or not, disagreements over the length of hair, even disagreements when they came together to commemorate the Lord’s Supper. Paul reprimanded them for their divisive behaviors, offering really good counsel – for them – and for us today:

 

Everyone ought to examine themselves… (V 28)

 

What does examining ourselves do to a disagreement? Examining ourselves checks our motives. Do we want to understand the other person as much as we want to be understood? Are we seeking a wise and just resolution to the problem or do we just want to be right? Is it our intent to build understanding or to attack? Are we interested in peace or just giving someone a piece of our mind? (Be careful, we all only have so many pieces!)

 

Examining ourselves also checks our behaviors. I spent decades of my life working in crisis deescalation situations. One of the key lessons learned was to examine our own body language: our posture, our muscle tension (relaxed, not clenched), our tone of voice, facial expression, and words. The louder the other person became, the softer we would speak. Examining our behavior defuses a fueled situation. It speaks calm and compassion, first to ourselves and then to others. It’s one thing to be firm and stand our ground and quite another to belittle another person.

 

While examining ourselves is a practical and helpful discipline toward resolving disagreement, there’s an even more effective approach. Jesus said that wherever two or three gather together in his name, he would be there also. Jesus, with his authority, grace, wisdom, love, and power is ready to present himself whenever we invite him into our discussions, whether they be about politics, business, or who takes out the garbage. We learn to follow the example of Jesus when we invite him into the fray of our disagreements. When he is the head, we have fewer battles about whose idea prevails because the matter is submitted to him first, and we seek to follow his example in building understanding and unity.

 

When do we examine ourselves? Paul instructed that we should do this before taking communion. Actually, each and every meal invites us to quiet ourselves before God, to humbly confess our wayward ways, and ask him to bless us with his presence. We could gain a greater sense of peace and harmony if we’d learn to examine ourselves whenever we meet with others, especially when disagreements abound.

 

The battle over who is going to be right, especially over trivial matters, is better shifted to who is going to behave rightly. Let’s find many opportunities to invite Jesus into the business of our daily lives, and especially into our relationships. And may peace be yours to enjoy and share.

 

Are you an obstructionist or a peacemaker?

An obstructionist is one who so steeped in their convictions they methodically cause problems for others who want to accomplish their objectives. There is no negotiation, little if any understanding, but much confrontation. Unlike the cartoon, I don’t think we aspire to become obstructionists, but high levels of frustration lead us to such destructive behaviors instead of pursuing our call to be peacemakers.

We quickly associate obstructionism with the political process. But it easily finds itself in the work environment and personal relationships where what someone is against speaks louder than what they are for. Lines are drawn sometimes arbitrarily in the sand; walls are built. Obstructionist behaviors take the form of discrediting, ridiculing, and dishonest passive aggressive manipulative efforts. Behaviors like the silent treatment, refusal to honestly communicate feelings, gossip, bringing up old issues, ‘compliments’ that feel like back stabbing, and intentional feet dragging also create tension and conflict rather than peaceful and respectful resolution of issues. Honest conflict is difficult enough to resolve, but indirect conflict is insidiously problematic. It creates a shifting darkness that make shining light difficult.

In the classic negotiation example, one will keep the other from getting all the orange. Though they only want the pulp for juice, they haven’t taken time to seek to understand the other’s interest. If they had, they would have discovered the other only wanted the rind to make marmalade. They could have both had EVERYTHING they wanted. Instead they settled for half or less.

The peacemaker realizes that dealing with these destructive behaviors calls for a “critical conversation” approach. Critical conversations are those that need to happen but are difficult, even painful, to conduct. Five points are essential to the success of these conversations and the disarming of covert obstructionism behavior:
1. Identify and keep focus on the behavior, without attacking the person.
2. State how you feel about these behaviors,
3. And why you find them harmful.
4. Ask for affirmation of your interpretation.
5. Communicate your desire to understand and be understood, to find common ground for harmonious resolution.

In doing this, you are not attacking the person or their values. Rather you are communicating a concern for a situation that harms a productive and caring relationship. Though difficult, critical conversations convey mutual value and build a bridge for a stronger relationship and improved outcomes.

God does this for us when he convicts us of our destructive behaviors. Godly peacemaking allows us to maintain our deepest beliefs through a forthright and honest discussion, based on love and respect. It builds any relationship, whether that between a husband and wife, parent and child, employee and employer, coworkers, friends, or positional opponents. The result, when we pursue peace instead is always greater joy, contentment, and purposeful meaning in our lives.

Are you an obstructionist or a peacemaker? Isn’t it time to let God’s light shine through you and give peace a chance?

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Matthew 5:9