Tag Archives: new normal

Recovering a sense of self

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It’s not all about you – or me. In one sense becoming a follower of Christ means losing our sense of self. “Out of our selves, into Christ, we must go. His will is to become ours and we are to think His thoughts, to ‘have the mind of Christ’ as the Bible says.” C.S. Lewis

 

And yet our sense of self, even God’s Spirit in ourself, is how we interpret the world and how we relate to God. Your sense of self, either as feeling separated from God or of belonging to Him, probably vacillates throughout your day – and life.  At one moment you see yourself as standing on your own two feet, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and the master of your own destiny. And then something happens to make you realize you are ultimately a child of God dependent on resting in His loving arms. Sudden loss cuts to the core of who we are and may cause us to question ‘who remains’ after surviving a tragic life event. Authors Sherri Magee and Kathy Scalzo describe recovering a sense of self as the first of four phases of transitioning from survival to living well.*

 

Stem cell transplant recipient Kristina says, “Cancer wasn’t supposed to happen to me.” She describes her vibrant life before cancer, living on the edge, “fiercely independent and passionate.” It was who she was ‘B.C.’ – Before Cancer. Determined not to let cancer keep her down, Kristina resolved to focus on recovering the quality of life she desired. Devastating setbacks with GVHD and long periods of fatigue led to isolation, inactivity, and feelings of self-pity.  But she continued her pursuit of recovering her sense of self. “As post-transplant survivors, we have to drag ourselves out of it,” she says. “The initial step of recovery is just to get moving. Whether you do this alone, with a caregiver, or through a program, little steps make a big impact.”

 

She describes her “new normal” as including her mindset, physical changes, how people react to her, and her emotional well being. “While I experienced many changes and realized new things about myself, I was able to get back the part of my life that I loved.” She discovered the path from surviving to thriving.

 

As for me, I’m still in process.  It often feels like I am balancing two lives: the one I have now and the one I had before cancer. How about you? Recovering your sense of who you are, especially who you are in God’s sight, isn’t a process unique to cancer survivors. It’s an essential journey we all face. As you look at the struggles in your own life ask yourself:

In what ways has my sense of self remained constant, and in what ways am I becoming someone new?

What have I gained and what have I lost along the way? (I urge you to focus on what you’ve gained!)

How do I let go of what must be left behind and move on to a better future? (… If not better than where you once were, but better than where now are now.)

 

You don’t have to figure it out today. And you don’t have to figure it out alone. Talk to a trusted friend. Grieve over your loss, but don’t stay there. Talk honestly with God about where you are and who you really are in His sight. There are more pieces of your puzzle yet to discover! Let God who designed your puzzle help you put all the pieces together.

 

* Picking Up the Pieces – Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer

 

 

From Surviving to Thriving

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Two years after my stem cell (bone marrow) transplant, I’m reflecting on how this journey has changed us. I say ‘us’ because if you are tightly connected to family or friends, you know that others share your journey and the caregiver bears a very large portion of the burden. It’s not just a cancer phenomenon. Name your battle, be it the death of a child, divorce, depression, chronic illness, or unresolved grief, few escape the path of suffering and sorrow. And so while I reflect on my journey through AML, feel free to adapt the reflections to your particular challenges.

 

Life altering events often come with no warning. One day everything is fine and suddenly your world is turned upside down. The prognosis of “12 weeks to live” quickly got my attention. There’s no room for denial. The focus was survival. The few options were evaluated and a treatment plan was quickly initiated. One month of chemo became two because the first chemo round didn’t knock out the cancer. Then after achieving remission, the aggressive nature of the cancer required a third round of heavier dose chemo followed by a stem cell transplant. What we didn’t realize is that surviving and enduring the transplant was to be a much tougher and longer battle than beating the cancer.

 

You know the fight to survive is not won by all.  But if you do find that you’ve survived whatever overwhelming ordeal you might ask if you will ever learn to thrive again.

 

Authors Sherri Magee and Kathy Scalzo describe four phases of transitioning from survival to living well*:

1. Recovering a sense of self
2. Recovering a sense of control
3. Recovering a sense of meaning
4. Recovering a sense of the future

 

The authors liken these as four ‘corner pieces’ of the recovery jigsaw puzzle. Understanding these helps us figure out how the other parts of recovery fit together to make us whole again. If you’ve gone through the valley of surviving a sudden life change you might be wondering, “Is there anything beyond mere survival?” The answer is ‘Yes.’ God intends for us not only to survive but to thrive, that is to live an abundant life. This doesn’t look the same for everyone. Getting “back to normal” may be an unrealistic goal, but there is a ‘new normal’ to be discovered. You may be creating a new picture, different from the one you thought you were putting together. And along the way you find that others hold some of the pieces to your puzzle and you hold some of the pieces to theirs.

 

It’s not an easy process, but it’s possible and it’s worth it. “My experience broke me down,” says transplant recipient Kristina. “But it also built me back up.” Perhaps it will help to spend time reflecting on the four ‘corner pieces’ of your own puzzle. As you do, remember that God isn’t ‘one of the pieces.’ He is the puzzle designer. Give Him all your broken pieces and let Him help you put them back together as you transition from surviving to thriving.

 
Tomorrow: The recovery of self
 
* “Picking Up the Pieces: Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer”

 

Traveling through no-man’s land

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Between South Korea, where our son lives, and North Korea, is a stretch of land called the DMZ. In fact it is the heaviest militarized border in the world. It is what you might call a ‘no man’s’ land, extremely unwelcoming and dangerous.

 

Suleika Jaouad wrote an insightful blog about such a place in her cancer journey that resonated with me. She describes the transition from where it was difficult to say, “I am a cancer patient,” to where that statement defined who she was. I think most people think that when a person is ‘cured’ of cancer, all is well. Close that chapter and move on. But even after the ‘cure’ is found and the cancer is gone, there is a place that is in some ways the hardest part of the journey: the land in between sickness and wellness, filled with anticipation of the next illness and the myriad of medical, financial, professional and psychosocial issues to deal with. There is the search for and deep longing to find the person you once were. Few know this, but the caregiver goes through the same process. The task of rebuilding your life is as confusing as it is disrupting. Cancer doesn’t affect only the cells that the chemo destroyed. “Cancer affects all of who we are.” (Xeni Jardin, cancer survivor) Susan Sontag wrote, “Everyone holds dual citizenship in the land of the well and the land of the sick.”

 

But there is also another citizenship we hold in the no-man’s land between those other kingdoms. For those with suppressed immune systems that land’s borders are very wide and extensive. The recent recurrence of my graft-Versus-Host Disease reminds me I am still in that transitional place. It seems a useless struggle to try to “go back” to where we were, however strong the desire to do so. You cannot step in the same stream twice. There really is no ‘going back’, only going forward. Forward to a ‘new normal’, whatever that might be.

 

Have you ever been in a ‘no-man’s land’? Maybe it wasn’t one marked by military occupation or cancer. There are no-man’s lands in relationships with our spouse, our children, and our friends. There are those transitional deserted dry places in our relationship with God. Whatever your no-man’s land experience, you recognize the painful interlude between one chapter and another in your life. It’s a waiting room where we feel we cannot either move backward to where we were or forward to where we want to go.

 

Your no-man’s land is both unwelcoming and dangerous because it tempts you to feel abandoned. But do not fear. You are not alone. For those of faith, the great promise is that God will go with you and show you the way. In fact, he has already gone before you and prepared a place for you that you haven’t realized yet. No-man’s land is a place for meeting God, even if you are sure there are no more lessons remaining to be ‘learned’, even if it seems a waste of time and energy and life itself. God doesn’t waste pain. and you are not here forever. God will bring you to a place that you can not travel alone, apart from him. Faith will guide you there. Faith doesn’t make the journey easy, but it does make it possible.

 

Blessings to my fellow sojourners.